What to say to a person who betrayed. What to do if you are betrayed? When the traitor is your own husband

I don’t know if there are such lucky people on this earth who have never been betrayed or deceived. I myself have been betrayed and deceived more than once, and therefore I have perfectly learned all the lessons associated with this. The basis of all treacherous acts is selfishness, people simply pursue, thus their interests and goals, their desires and instincts, prevail over morality. The cynicism and composure with which people sometimes carry out their treacherous actions is even difficult to attribute to such a definition of our species as humans. They can lie to your face and not even wince, which indicates absolute disrespect for you as a person; in the eyes of such people, you are a tool that they use. I will not argue that betrayal and lies are bad, this is part of our life, and sometimes the ability to betray and lie gives a person a huge advantage over others. In the end, all power is built on this, because in the world of wolves, only a wolf can survive.

But being betrayed and deceived is not very good; sometimes it kills, especially when you are betrayed by the person closest and most beloved to you. And all we can do in this case is to understand the lesson of life, thanks to which we can draw appropriate conclusions. Namely, if you were betrayed once, do not trust these people and do not forgive them for this. The likelihood that you will be betrayed again by the same people is very high, because they showed their insides, which means you saw who they really are, and not who they want to seem. It’s not for nothing that they say that a friend is known in trouble, as well as in joy, because these are such emotional moments when a person’s psyche may be beyond his control, and then a quick determination of priorities occurs in his head, and his own ass is in the first place. . WITH psychological point This is normal, but the question is where is the line beyond which for a person there is nothing more important than himself. After all, people can betray in order to save their own lives, the instinct of self-preservation is triggered, according to my findings, the strongest instinct. But not always and not in all cases, betrayal is associated with a threat to life. This is the most interesting moment, when we just have to see how much you were sold for, that is, why you were betrayed.

Of course, we all admire people who are ready to sacrifice their lives for the sake of others; their moral qualities prevail over the instinct of self-preservation. Whether this is right or not, everyone decides for himself; there is no consensus yet on why we live at all. Everyone has their own line that a person cannot cross, for some it is their own life, for which they will deceive and betray anyone, but for others it is only the slightest privilege, or a one-time pleasure. For some reason, people who cheat on their spouses, for example, do not really like to be deceived themselves, although, logically, they can be repaid in the same coin, since for them it is in the order of things. But no, selfishness takes its toll, I can, but you can’t, because it’s so painful and unpleasant to feel betrayed. The same goes for promotions, career ladder and all other cases when people betray and deceive each other can be said to be cheap. If you were betrayed by a stranger, then of course you are not on the same path with him, if this is a person very close to you, just pay attention to why he did it, or rather, for how long they betrayed you.

If you were cheated on with the first person you met, your partner is a complete nonentity, his or her bar is quite low, and you will always be betrayed at the first opportunity. Although in cases with spouses, what difference does it actually make with whom they cheated on you, because if for a person flesh is above feelings, you are not on the same path with him, of course, if you are not like that yourself. Of course, you can forgive if stupidity occurred due to ignorance and clouding of reason, but what kind of clouding is this in which people are guided only by instincts, forgetting about morality and responsibility? According to statistics, and my own observations, most people, much more than half, live an unconscious life. They are driven by instincts, which are very difficult for unconscious people to control. Instincts give rise to desires, and desires develop selfishness, in which the slightest opportunity to make oneself better, even if not significantly, is more important than everything else.

Unconscious people are not farsighted, they can do anything for the sake of the moment, forgetting about the future, because their whole life, as already said, is based on instincts, and therefore they do not think, but react. Therefore, betrayal is inherent mainly in stupid and narrow-minded people, because smart people they do this wisely, their deception is like honey, and not bitter like tar. Betrayal of people and their deception can be obvious and well-disguised. Every sane person should always be prepared for betrayal and deception and have several options for their reaction to this. These options should not be a natural manifestation, because if you have been unconsciously betrayed, treat this as a natural manifestation of human nature. There is no need to make a tragedy out of this, because if you understand that this is an integral part of our life, then you just need to be able to use it.

Don’t count on a person’s moral qualities, especially if you don’t know the line beyond which he doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Morality is simply an idea we adopt in order to bring some semblance of civilization to society. However, man, for all his greatness, has not gone far from animals, and all his basic instincts and behavior patterns are just as primitive. If you don’t want to be betrayed and deceived, just be prepared for this, and if possible, stick to the right people, the right ones in your understanding.

After reading your letter, I saw what was going on in your soul - in your own words. May grace come upon you! But do what you can yourself - pray, pray for good!

Prayer is the movement we make to get out of the swamp. This is our attempt to see our soul in the Divine light, where there is no place for the darkness that so often surrounds us. In prayer, the soul “shakes off” this darkness and says to it: “No!” When we pray, we feel like children of God, children of the Great Father, Enlightening everyone, children of the All-Bountiful Savior, in whose hands are the keys to joy and happiness. This is why we should not put up with sadness and depression.

What is the cause of depression? If we are not talking about a medical diagnosis (when, first of all, an appointment is necessary medicines), then our sadness develops from mental dissatisfaction as a result of some kind of offense - for example, betrayal.

We begin to wish for something that for some reason did not happen. And it seems to us that if we received this, our condition would improve. “I’m depressed,” says the young girl, “because my boyfriend left me. He left, he betrayed, he offended me...” We think that we have lost something, and that if it were returned to us, there would be no depression.

But you can say it differently! “Why don’t I get it back? Not what left me, but the feelings it evoked in me!” So, the young man left the girl. He hurt her deeply, he betrayed her, and now she begins to feel depressed.

How did you feel when you were together? – I’ll ask you. – You felt full, your soul was filled with happiness, your heart rejoiced, you wanted to live, to fight... Life had meaning, you looked around and rejoiced at everything around you. Your loved one evoked wonderful feelings and sensations in you. And now he has left you, and with him your wonderful inner state has left you.

And I want to offer you something - just as an idea. Would you like to try to get that feeling back? The feeling of completeness, grace, bliss, happiness and joy - what did you have before? Even if the person who caused these feelings is not with you now? Perhaps he was just a reason for the joy that always lives in you to spill out! And now this person, this “reason for joy,” is gone. But you can certainly find a new reason to feel this joy again!

Because happiness lives within us. And it was not this person who made you happy, who is a mere mortal. An ordinary person - a material body, a collection of cells and molecules - cannot make another person happy. What makes us happy? What lives inside us. And people and events are only a reason for this internal state to come out.

Try to feel this through prayer. It will help you feel happiness as it is - without the influence of external “irritants”. It gives a feeling of completeness, joy, happiness, love and meaning in life. Prayer helps us return to life. It nourishes the soul like water, the source of which is in the other world. Look at the saints and ascetics! They are beaming with happiness. Even if it is not possible to see them in person, their lives and patristic books testify to this... People came to them and saw that their faces were always joyful...

One young man who recently returned from New York told me:

– Father, how happy I am that I visited New York! I was in Manhattan - it's incredible! What a scale! How impressive all this is!

He was happy because he saw so much in New York. And someone visited Disneyland, someone visited Florida, or somewhere else - and all these trips became a reason for joy. People were filled with positive emotions - thanks to other people, beautiful buildings, shopping, delicious food, everything that, in principle, should not be condemned.

I just want to say that the joy that an ordinary person experiences when visiting Manhattan with its shops and fun nightlife, the ascetic feels without all this. And its feeling is even more intense because it lasts much longer. After all, after a wonderful trip, we board the plane and say to ourselves: “That’s it. Time to go home". And we experience despondency because pleasant emotions leave us. And the ascetic knows how to find in his soul such a chink from which joy and happiness emerge again and again.

And for this he doesn’t have to see a skyscraper or climb the Eiffel Tower. He doesn’t need to go somewhere or travel. He is happy thanks to someone else. And we must find this other thing in ourselves - after all, it lives in us. The source of joy is in our heart, because Christ is there, and He is the Source of joy.

And we ourselves kill Christ in our soul, not allowing Him to show us all the beautiful things that He can give. And if we do not learn to revive Christ in our hearts, we will constantly suffer and never find the answer. And we will live in constant anticipation of new travels or relationships, in the hope of becoming happier, at least for a little while.

And as long as this new thing continues, we are good. But when it ends, we start going crazy. And even when it is not over yet, we cannot feel truly good, because we are afraid of losing it, that is, a feeling of anxiety is mixed with our joy. For example, you are happy that your loved one is nearby, but at the same time you are afraid of losing him, and therefore you think:

– Yes, today we feel very good, but how long will this last? What if tomorrow he leaves me, if he betrays me? What if he gets sick and dies? What if he leaves?

This uncertainty prevents us from truly rejoicing. And when we see how happy other people are, we begin to envy them. And we think:

- I don’t have a loved one, but he does! Why?

And we begin to compare, envy, get angry, because we are afraid of losing our happiness. “Will I have it?” We reason this way because the feeling of joy we experience in this moment, receives recharge from the outside. Our happiness exists only thanks to this nourishment.

That's why I say: try to find the secret of happiness in yourself. When your beloved was nearby, you said: “He looks into my eyes, and I come to life.”

So you knew the feeling of resurrection. Great! Is it possible to feel it without a loved one? When he doesn't look into your eyes? Look in the mirror and say:

- Lord, thank you! Because I am a human being. Because my soul and life are beautiful. Because I am unique and unrepeatable on this planet!

After all, there is no other person on earth like you! You are unique. Everyone is unique, we are all unique. And remembering at least this one thing, you will certainly think:

“I don’t need anyone to constantly talk about how beautiful I am and how much I mean to him.” After all, first I feel my importance, my value, and then, if this person disappears from my life, I go crazy.

No, when you have loved ones, it's wonderful! I don't mean at all that they don't exist. And I don’t downplay the importance of the pain after the breakup that drove you to depression. But you should not depend on another person to such an extent that, having lost him, you lose your mind. Be close to your loved one, rejoice, enjoy, but remember that if you have to lose him, you always have a secret, thanks to which you will regain the joy that you experienced while being next to your loved one.

That is, at any moment you can say:

- I'm glad we're together. I am happy with you, you give me a lot, but know that I will not be lost without you. And I can cope without you. There is a button inside me, by pressing it, I revive my hope, self-esteem, love of God. And I feel good. Do not you love me anymore? Are you leaving? You betrayed me? Well, God loves me, and I feel good, and I pray, and hope, and think about a wonderful future. Not everything is lost. I can handle.

It's hard for you to say this now because you're in so much pain. After all, when our heart is torn away from another person, it bleeds. A similar feeling occurs when a person is kicked out of work, because in this case it is not only about material damage - we lose our sense of self-worth. I get fired and I say to myself:

- That's it, I'm not worth anything anymore. I'm useless.

What do you mean, you're not worth anything? Does your worth depend on your workplace? No, you always provide value. But because you are wholeheartedly attached to your work and completely identified with it, you say:

– Work is everything to me! I am my work.

But you are not your job. And God gave you the opportunity to understand this. It’s as if he told you: “ Let me take your work away from you for a little while. So that you can finally see your other talents. You thought that you draw strength exclusively from there, but I want to show you: you underestimate yourself. And now your importance is even greater, My child!»

That’s why I’m talking about holy ascetics who have practically nothing. And if you take away what they have, they will say:

- Take it! I am not attached to this thing to such an extent that it is a source of great joy for me. Here, in my cell there is a beautiful pen with which I write. Take her!

Maybe you read about how one ascetic chased after thieves - not in order to catch them, but in order to give them what they did not have time to steal. He ran and shouted after them:

- My children, you forgot something! Take it!

And the thieves got scared and said to each other:

– This is the first time we’ve seen this! Someone else in his place would immediately call the police, but this one is running after us to give us more things! Why?

Because the ascetic knew how to be happy without these things.

I understand that this is very difficult. Therefore, I do not encourage you to cope with your depression and despondency in one or two days. It takes time - months, maybe even years.

It is necessary to learn the lessons that the Lord teaches us - through the blows dealt by life, through separations, partings. It's like peeling off a Band-Aid - first we stick it on a wound, and when it comes time to peel it off, it can be very difficult to do. After all, the patch is firmly stuck to the skin, and your actions cause severe pain. But this must be done.

Translation by Elizaveta Terentyeva

Hello, my dear readers. Sometimes things happen in life that make it very difficult to recover from. It’s especially hard if you didn’t expect it at all. In this state, it is very easy to become depressed, lose interest in life, become apathetic and unsure of yourself. Therefore, today I would like to talk about what to do if you have been betrayed by your loved one.

Defensive position

A person is not always able to predict a bad event. Usually you hope for a positive outcome. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships. I doubt that when a young man meets a girl, falls in love, and begins an affair, he thinks every day before going to bed: when will she stick a knife in my back?

People want to be happy and that's why they don't expect bad things. Except for those who have already stumbled upon betrayal several times. I have one friend who, in principle, does not trust people. His parents abandoned him as a child, then best friend stole his wife, and the second wife ran away with all their savings. Today he is taking a defensive stance. Like, you don’t trust anyone, you don’t expect anything good from anyone, which means they can’t hurt you.

There is an opposite example in my practice. One woman stumbles upon wicked men time after time. One beat her, another stole money, the third managed to deprive her of almost her apartment, and so on. Each new lover of hers is worse than the previous one. But she continues to believe and hope for a miracle.

Honestly, I’ll tell you that both of these options are not the most acceptable cases for a happy future. One has closed himself off and can easily miss his fate, while the other continues to ignore some basic clues that the person is not the most honest.

A happy person is somewhere in between these two examples. He trusts people, but at first he doesn't let them get too close. And he monitors his actions very well. After all, it is actions that speak about a person, not his words.

Revenge is served cold

I have never been a supporter of vindictive people. To be honest, I never took revenge myself and did not advise anyone to do so. Of course, it is very difficult to be in a situation of betrayal, your soul hurts, there is an endless stream of tears, you wake up at night because you begin to choke.

But for me this has never been a reason to take revenge on a person. Especially if I loved him or still love him. Of course, you can say a lot of unnecessary things based on emotion, everything inside is torn apart and sometimes you just want to give a person a good whack.
I believe that there are more interesting ways to show a person that everything is fine with you and thereby prick him harder.

One of my friends became a victim of betrayal by the man she loved. He left her for a younger woman, although they were about to get married. She was in a very dangerous condition for a month that her sister came from another city to live with her. And one fine day I woke up and realized that I wanted to continue living, that I wanted to find my happiness.

She got a job, changed her wardrobe, became a regular at beauty salons, and after six months she was no longer recognizable. This was a real woman who amazed men with her beauty. And then one day we were sitting in a restaurant, celebrating the birthday of a mutual friend, when suddenly, out of nowhere, our beauty’s ex appeared on the horizon. He came up to say hello with dazed eyes. I asked to meet, but she responded with a categorical refusal. So, he still calls her and begs to meet.

This, in my opinion, is the best example of proving something to your offender. Girls, let the man you love see you happy, beautiful, in love with life and greatly regret that he left you then. The same story can easily play into the hands of young people. Revenge concentrates you on the object of betrayal, freezes you in this state and does not let you go.

Forgiveness

Forgiving a person who betrayed you is very difficult. Sometimes I would even say that it is impossible. But over time, peace comes and at this moment it is very important to let go of the situation and move on. I'm not talking about the forgiveness that you give to a person and take him back. No. I'm talking about your inner forgiveness.

First, forgive yourself. Because such a catastrophe happened in your life, that you fell for the tricks of a traitor, that you did not notice, perhaps, obvious facts. Forgive yourself and let yourself move on.

Second, forgive the person who offended you. For ourselves, inside. Forgive him and let him go. Let him live with this feeling himself. Don't take on all this negativity. This is probably the most difficult thing. And such a moment does not come very soon. Time must pass, you will calm down, emotions will subside and then you can forgive.

Think about yourself first. Punishing the traitor is the work of fate, life and chance, not yours. Your task is to make your life happy, fulfilling, harmonious and the way you want. It doesn’t matter whether you are a girl or an adult man, a woman with children or a youth, rest assured that you still have your whole life ahead of you and so many interesting things will come your way.

If you feel that you cannot cope and cannot find answers to important questions, together we will analyze the situation and find a solution.

What to do

But when such a story happens, you always wonder: how to survive this? To be honest, everything depends only on you. If you want to solve the situation, you will definitely find a way to do it. I sometimes think that people like to suffer too much. Especially in our country.

Remember that you can always turn to a specialist for help. If you understand that you are starting to get stuck in this story and cannot cope on your own, then a good psychologist will definitely help you. Will help you survive initial stage when the world is falling apart, to reach a new level, and moreover, to become a happy person.

Plus, you can throw yourself into your work. Taking a break is a good option. When your head is busy with other things, you simply have no time to think about what happened. But remember that after work you will come home, where there will be walls and you. And that’s where all these thoughts can catch up with you.

It is very important for a person to speak out. If you have good ones, they can always listen to you and give advice that may help you. The less time you spend alone in the beginning, the less chance you will have of drowning. own thoughts about this theme.

If you are now in a difficult situation, you have been betrayed and you don’t know what to do, contact me for help. Together we will cope with any situation, overcome all troubles and reach a new level. You will become a happy, contented and joyful person.

I am sure that everything in your life will be wonderful. Patience and strength to you!

Magazine "Psychology for Every Day"

How does this happen?

Have you ever wondered what is there on the other side of the mirror? Look. You just saw yourself in the mirror - so beautiful, smiling - and now, a second later, there is nothing. This is roughly how a person who has been betrayed feels. Something subtly changes in the soul: for a short time it becomes empty. Then anger, resentment, and a desire for revenge settle in her. Then, if you're lucky, forgiveness. But there is a moment in which the soul is empty. What is leaving her? First of all, faith. Faith as trust in the world.

Betrayal - what is it?

A person is born helpless: he is not able to support his own life. He can only trust the world that it will leave him alive. At first we seek support from our mother and trust her. We need warmth, food and love as a feeling of confidence that we will be helped. Around two years, the child’s social connections expand and he enters the Big World. He learns to interact, establish relationships with friends, passers-by, with his aunt on a bench, with his uncle at a bus stop, looks curiously at the dog, determining - friend or foe? Some people do it better, some do it worse. But each of us, sooner or later, finds himself standing in front of a mirror like this and sees emptiness there. And it seems like the world has turned its back.

How does this happen?

Differently. And always unexpected. After all, the essence of betrayal is the violation of our trust in the things that are most important to us, and its beginning is exactly where our faith ends. The conclusion is sad: betrayal cannot be foreseen. It is useless to guess where you will fall and lay straw there in advance. Each time, completely unexpectedly and anew, with all possible severity, we are faced with feelings that destroy us.

And then?

In psychology today, the problem of effective behavior in difficult situations is being studied quite intensively. The most promising direction in this area is coping theory. The term was introduced by the American psychologist Abraham Maslow in 1987, and refers to coping behavior as constantly changing mental and behavioral attempts to cope with external or internal problems that arise in front of a person. In essence, coping behavior distinguishes a person’s readiness to solve life’s problems. On the opposite side of the pole is the expressive behavior of the “offended” and “betrayed” - behavior in which a person’s actions are dictated only by “bare” emotions. In this case, the lady “treacherously” abandoned by her loved one revels in her own guilt in the morning, gets angry at the “scoundrel” in the afternoon, and falls into depression closer to night. Further more. Our heroine will begin act under the influence of these emotions! That is, to beg and curse, scold and apologize, and thus completely confuse everything and become confused. What’s wrong with this wonderful, time-tested method? Because the problem is not solved this way. After all, our deceived heroine is only concerned with herself, and not with the problem. A completely different way is effective: solve the problem and thus get rid of negative experiences.

What if you calm down?

How should you behave in such a situation? The answer is ridiculously simple. First, calm down, and then decide what exactly to do. And not the other way around - first get excited and “pile up too much,” and then “scratch your turnips” over the consequences of your own emotional storm. Have you calmed down? But now it’s worth thinking about what you yourself did to be betrayed.

As you might guess, only a loved one is capable of betraying. After all, it was to him that we “turned our backs”, it was he who possessed “secret information”, it was he who had any hopes pinned on him. Was it worth it? It has been noticed that the stronger our feelings about someone’s treachery, the more responsibility for our own destiny we have transferred to the “deceiver” before. It is much easier to betray a person who is dependent and psychologically helpless (like a baby) than someone who keeps important issues for himself rather than giving them to someone else to solve. The notorious departure of the husband is in one case an annoying prick of fate, and in another - the collapse of the picture of the world. And if your case is the second, consider that your husband gave you a gift. By leaving, he gave you the opportunity to make sure that you can live without him. The picture of the world will be restored. Just be kind, next time don’t give so much space to your new husband. Not everyone can bear such a load. And your life will be more fun.

Betrayal as a mistake

Very often, it helps to stop worrying about someone’s treachery by reviewing the situation in which your “deceiver” finds himself. After all, it is much easier to forgive a person if he made a mistake than if you know for sure that he is a villain with a cold heart!

Believe me, there are very few villains with cold hearts. And it’s unlikely that you were lucky enough to pull out such a disastrous card. As practice shows, any ugly act, as a rule, has a sad motive. The biggest meannesses from the inside are often felt as weakness. And then a merciless fate intervenes and completes the dirty deed. Yes, your loved one has an exceptionally pretty secretary. It’s more likely that he simply folded rather than want to hurt you. Forgive him as one forgives the weak. After all, it is easier to forgive the weak than the evil.

Here, by the way, there is an interesting nuance that can help. Do you find it difficult to consider an atrocity a mistake? Do you prefer to continue to expose? You probably think that the “villain” must bear 100% responsibility for what he did? Great. What about your 100% responsibility? After all, it was you who allowed the situation to happen. It was you who gave the traitor the cards. You are the one who trusted! You, not someone else, allowed your trust to be abused.

Oh, were you mistaken? Of course you are wrong. And he too.

How to forgive the unforgivable?

Alas, this also happens.

You have been betrayed so cruelly that forgiveness is out of the question. What then are we talking about? Probably about revenge. You are tormented, not knowing how to respond to the offender. You blame yourself for being too gullible. You are amazed again and again how it was possible to do this is for you? After all, you are so special!

Unfortunately, various sad incidents are also bad because they take away from us the illusion of our own exclusivity. It is also called the “recruit illusion.” This illusion can be described with a simple phrase - “there’s nothing wrong with me.” such can't happen, because It is me! The collapse of this illusion is very painful. Turns out, such It can happen: they betray and deceive - not someone, somewhere. It turns out that this is possible here and now, right with you, so unique and inimitable. And now you need to take revenge: to prove to him (her or them) that they were mistaken by mixing you with the crowd.

You may be surprised, but revenge will not help. Firstly, absolutely everyone wants to take revenge “in the heat” of resentment. That is, you are not unique in this either. And secondly, revenge does not at all undo what was done to you. And therefore, you are again in the crowd.

There is only one way to forgive the unforgivable. It works despite its paradoxical nature. Try to understand what forced the offender to act this way and not otherwise. This is especially important in the case of intentional atrocities against you. Think: what have you done? such, what caused you to be harmed so horribly? Imagine how bad it must have been for a person who committed such an ugly act. Don’t you think that a loved one could hit you casually, without thinking? So there were reasons? And they were probably serious. And, sad as it may be, this reason is you. And you probably did him no less harm. And how did you manage to do this? This is the most interesting thing. And when you find the answer, ask for forgiveness for your part of the evil done. I promise you will feel better.

Plus to minus

Finally, I want to give you one trick. It will help, if not remove, then reduce the pain from the trouble that has occurred. Just think again, what's really the problem when you've been betrayed? Exactly what they betrayed? Or - the feelings that washed over you? This is an important question. Imagine: in the morning, a certain woman’s husband “meanly” left her, and in the afternoon she learned that she miraculously was the owner of a villa in the Canaries, a new Lamborghini and a marriage contract with Leonardo DiCaprio. Will she be sad in the evening? Complex issue.

Now do you understand that any betrayal is inside us, and not at all outside?

To my husband, Nikita Blinov - thanks for the ideas and support.

Question for psychologists

I am 35 years old, my husband and I have been divorced for 3 years, but we live together, since we have a 9-year-old child and my husband said that he has no one else (women) and he does not need love in life (including me). Now I am 8 months pregnant with my ex-husband (not planned) and recently I found out that he has love for another woman (constant text messages, comes home late, said that when the child is born he will go to live separately). I was betrayed for the second time, I cannot maintain the calm that is so necessary in my position. Seeing this relationship, the child begins to have breakdowns, so he has to be given sedatives. I don’t even want to live, I want to bury myself somewhere deeper so that no one will find it... When the child’s dad is better at home, he is happier, but what should I do? I love him, I want affection, tenderness, kisses, but this is not there and there is no hope that there will be either.

Hello, Olga! The situation is really quite difficult psychologically both for you (in your condition) and for the child! However, you yourself understand that your husband cannot give you that care and family happiness, and moreover, knowing that he will not be with you, he really betrayed you, deliberately leaving you with two children in your arms. All this does not indicate his seriousness and responsibility both to you and to the children! However, you yourself should accept the fact that he will not be with you, so as not to torment yourself and wait until he returns (and thereby not be in a state of tension, which affects both children)! If you need help and support, you can contact me - to work through the moment of dependence with your husband and free your emotions and feelings, accept them and set new goals! Also now it is worth paying attention to the child (older) - for him it will be really stressful and also a betrayal (he also needs help in realizing this fact and, to the extent possible, accepting it) - after all, the child also needs to understand exactly what feelings he is experiencing, and understand why this happens in families - also if it is difficult for a child to understand and accept all this, you can also treat the child (work through his emotions, attitude towards his father and men in general, and also his attitude towards you - in the sense that you too I need his help, just as you need his). Contact me, I will be glad to help you!

Olya, now it’s certainly very difficult for you and you don’t want to live and bury yourself somewhere deeper so that no one will find you. But, you remember the story: what was usually done with traitors? Your husband has a slightly different picture of the world than you and different values. It hurts, but you have to understand and accept that it’s better without a traitor than with him. After all, he will betray again. This is his credo. We must try to cope with emotions. Without a specialist it will be difficult; the situation is actually very difficult. Don't delay, help yourself. After all, you are unique, beautiful, smart. You are the only one, there will never be another like you, remember this! Who is he? Traitor and that's it!

Olga, the situation is not pleasant... But! It is important to look at it realistically: You have been divorced for 3 (three!) years. Living in the same territory does not mean that you are husband and wife, relationships as sexual partners - yes, there is/was an unconscious (or?) desire to “attach” your ex-husband with a child (a mistake of many women, alas). If a man is divorced, then he is free to choose a new life partner, why accuse him of betrayal? There was sex between you mutual desire and distribute responsibility for what happened equally. You had the right to refuse. Or agree. Everyone makes a choice.

I would pay attention to the words “I don’t want to live, I want to bury myself somewhere deeper so that no one will find” - this indicates some problems that are not related to this story with my husband, maybe it’s about your birth, about death in family, about betrayals in family history, about difficult births...

2. What is happening to your child. You write that he started having breakdowns. It’s a pity that you don’t write in more detail: how they manifest themselves, have you tried talking to your child, explaining what’s happening. Or, given the fact that you do not have enough resources for self-support, it is even more difficult for you to support your child. What is your relationship with your child? From your letter it seems that he gravitates more towards dad. Or do you perceive their communication so keenly that you and your ex-husband do not have? Perhaps all these difficulties have alienated you and your child from each other. If this is the case, it is important not to let the situation go, but to begin rapprochement as early as possible. After all, with the birth of a baby, the situation may worsen even more in the sense that the older child will receive even less attention. And it is not known how he will cope with this.

I am glad to be of assistance to you in resolving your difficulties.

Sincerely, Anastasia Umanskaya.