Jokes about traders. Bugs and funny stories in sales Jokes about traders

Wall Street Stories

Wall Street Stories

One enterprising and successful Wall Street trader hung a horseshoe above his desk “for good luck.” Colleagues laugh: “Boy, do you really believe in such prejudices?!” “Well, of course not. But they say this thing works whether you believe in it or not!”

In New York, three homeless beggars are sitting on Wall Street. The food is bad. One found a piece of cardboard and wrote “homeless” on it. By evening they gave him 3 dollars 5 cents. The second one took a piece of cardboard and wrote: “bum.com.” By evening he had a laptop and a 256K channel. And a third wrote: “e-bum.” Microsoft immediately awarded him a million-dollar contract to develop an e-commerce project called “e-bum-Millennium.” By evening, all of New York was talking about him. Oracle announced 100% support for e-bum technology. VISA and Europay announced the start of promotion of joint brands with the e-bum company. Overnight, the companies "HighTech-e-bum", "CyberBroker-e-bum", "OnLineTrader-e-bum" and "Mobil-e-bum-Telecom" were urgently created. In the morning, on stock exchanges around the world there was a collapse of all non-e-bum companies....

A new trader gets a job at a financial company. At the interview he is asked: - Why were you fired from your previous job? - For health. - What were you sick with? - My boss was sick, not me. Every time he saw the results of my work, he felt bad. This couldn't go on for long; one of us had to leave.

A stock market analyst died in extreme poverty in New York. His comrades, brokers and traders, decided to organize a fundraiser for the funeral of the poor fellow. One buck each. Upon learning of this, the President of the New York Stock Exchange exclaimed: "One dollar for the funeral of an analyst?!!! Here's a check for $10,000 and bury them all!"

The famous American banker John P. Morgan in 1929, a few days before the stock market crash, managed to get rid of almost all the shares he owned. A US Congressional Commission suspected Morgan of using insider information and market manipulation. The banker explained that he was helped to save his capital from the crisis by a shoe shiner who, while cleaning his shoes, inquired about the prospects of the shares of the railway company that he had bought. “When a shoe shiner comes to the market, professionals have nothing else to do,” the financier decided.

A broker at a small investment company, reading the latest financial news, says to his colleague: “Look, another financial giant fell, and this one also closed down, ... and that one went bankrupt.” So we will soon be among the top ten.

Announcement: We will hire a trader, gender and age do not matter, the salary is very high, a flexible work schedule, vacation - anywhere in the world, at any time. Condition: Buy cheaper, sell more expensive.

NY. Noon. Heat. Old Jew Moishe sells sunflower seeds on the marble stairs of the Bank of New York. They turn to him: “Moishe. Lend me.” “It’s not possible,” he replies. “We have an agreement with the Bank of New York.” “Oh, Moishe, leave it, you can’t have an agreement, you saw - an agreement, but tell me what agreement?” “I don’t lend money, and the Bank of New York doesn’t sell seeds!”

Jokes about the stock exchange and jokes about the stock market

What is this, again, a breakdown of a fractal according to DeMark through Fibonacci!!! - thought the trader and swore dirty.

A stockbroker is asked to explain the essence of the stock market game. “Imagine,” he says, “that you buy a pair of rabbits and put them in one cage. After some time, you already have six rabbits. You buy a bigger cage and move them there. After some time, you already have twenty of these rabbits. Buy more rabbits and soon you will have more than a hundred of them. - How simple! - the interlocutor is surprised. - Yes... And then suddenly there is a flood, and all your rabbits died and you suffer from morning to night with the thought: “Damn it, why didn’t I buy mirror carp!”

How to play and win on the stock exchange

First Rule of the Exchange. Who knows - does not say, who speaks - does not know. Second Rule of the Exchange. If everyone thinks that prices will rise, prices will not rise.

A hero trader is driving along the road, he sees a fork ahead, three roads, a stone, and on the stone there is an inscription:
“If you go to the left, you’ll get a moose; if you go to the right, you’ll get a moose; if you go straight, you’ll also get a moose.” I began to think about where to go if there was such an ambush everywhere. There’s a voice from above: “Hey, decide quickly, otherwise you’ll get a moose right here!!!”

A mountain shepherd is standing, tending sheep. Suddenly, the turntable lands, a young man comes out,immaculate suit and tie. “Are you a shepherd?” Silence. “I want to tell you that you are herding the sheep incorrectly.” Look... He takes out his laptop and connects to the satellite. - Do you see? Here's a picture. Here you can clearly see that behind that slope the grass is greener and lush. YouDo you agree? I see that they agree. You need to drive the flock here. Would you like to have your transportation routes selected? Please! There are three routes. I answer right away that you cannot go along this route: you see, there are wolves here.
Of the remaining two, this one is shorter, which means you’ll like it. As a fee, I take one sheep... And he goes to the helicopter, but suddenly hears: - You, you’ve probably been doing consulting for a long time... - Yes, but how do you know? called Secondly, you ask the questions yourself and answer them yourself. Thirdly, put the sabaku on the place...

WHAT IS THE FOREX MARKET

Three economic analysts on the hunt. They see a big deer. One takes aim, shoots, misses - a meter to the left. The second one takes aim, shoots, misses a meter to the right. The third analyst, without shooting: “Well, on average we killed him!”

The analyst is asked: - Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide? - Of course, always, only the dates sometimes don’t coincide...

Two traders went on a trip to hot-air balloon. Suddenly a strong wind blew up, and the friends lost their course. Having descended to a height of 20 meters, they saw a man below: - Hey, buddy, tell me, where did we end up? - You are in a hot air balloon 20 meters above the ground. - The answer is absolutely accurate and completely useless. Looks like we've met a stock analyst?! - Yes. And you, probably traders, you never know where you are.

2 financial analysts meet: - Listen, what’s going on? - I can explain... - I can explain too. WHAT IS HAPPENING???!!!

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Why did you decide to work on the stock exchange? Do you have experience or economic education? - Well, I watched “The Wolf of Wall Street.”

Dad, I want to be a trader.

Only over my corpse.

Well, in general, I have already lost 100 pieces on the exchange...

The daughter says to her mother - Mom, I’m marrying a trader!
Mother - Are you crazy, daughter, today he’s rich, and tomorrow he’s poor, he’s always better off as an analyst
"chocolate"!

The trader returned home drunk after the party and said to his wife: “Bring me the basin, I’m going to puke.” The wife brought a basin, set it up and waited, 5 minutes passed, she: - Well, come on already. - Sorry, dear, but the trend has turned sharply - I crap myself!

John Rockefeller dreamed of earning $100 thousand and living to be 100 years old... but he earned $318 billion and died at 97. Not all dreams come true...

A Jewish banker has died. Relatives are swarming around the coffin. It's time to start the funeral process, but they still don't stop their fuss. The manager enters the room. Manager: - what's the problem? Its time to begin. One of the relatives: - oh, you understand, the late Izya Markovich asked in his will to put all his money in his coffin. We've already compacted them, but they still don't fit. Manager: - oh, sho, you don’t know what to do? Write him a check!

A journalist asks Soros:

George, did your wife give you these horns?

No... stock exchange...

- Did you play for promotion?

No... I caught the "moose"

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Two traders come out of the exchange, one wearing only shorts, the other completely naked. Naked says to the one inpanties: -Here is Vasya, for which I respect you, you can stop in time.

What is default? Default is when you order a currency prostitute who also charges in hryvnias at the exchange rate, and after one hour there are not enough hryvnias to pay.

The trader is lying on the couch, doing nothing, laziness, in short. Lost the day before to dust... For colaflew out... He can no longer move... He lies down and looks out the open window. And he thinks: “If a fly flies into the window within a minute, then I will become rich and great...” He waits... half a minute passes... doesn’t fly... 45 seconds pass...
The man is already nervously swinging his leg... 50 seconds pass, he is already sweating... And then at the 53rd second such a fat fly flies in... Trader smiled contentedly, sighed with relief, closed his eyes and fell asleep...

The New Russian attended lectures about stock trading and calls a friend: - Kolyan, I took a course on stock trading, so can you imagine, the lecturer said that stocks don’t grow without
kickbacks. It turns out that here, too, you will have to spend money on kickbacks - complete chaos!

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It's nice to look at the sea! You look at the shore and there is rollback after rollback...

Spring dialogue. - Has anyone noticed the connection between air temperature and the dollar exchange rate? - But there is a connection between the dollar exchange rate and cranial pressure and adrenal function...

EARN YOUR 1,000,000 ON FOREX

Two traders are standing near the toilet and one asks the other: “Are you long or short?”

Two stock speculators: - Now I can’t sleep because of this crisis. - And I sleep like a child. - Can't be! - Yes, I wake up and cry every hour!

I found a large selection of traders' anecdotes. I cut it a little, cleaning out the obvious slag. I left what I liked.

The director of a brokerage company interviews applicants for a sales position: - So, what is your education? - Seven classes! - Fine! - At your place? - Moscow State University! - Why are you mooing, do you know how to read?

A poem about how the Chukchi traded on the stock exchange.
The stock exchange is very interesting, I wanted to trade. I concluded the agreement, the Broker began to cast magic.
He showed a list of shares, told me about liquidity, and talked about leverage and margin calls. Mine was very busy.
I see the chart is moving, I’m buying RAO. Well, in the evening, dog, It began to fall.
Mine got very angry and counted the losses. After this calculation, I had trouble sleeping at night.
Chief analyst in the morning Strongly criticize Sberbank. My quick thinking Short open soon.
Sberbank is crawling higher and higher like a tank. My nerves are missing. I knocked over a shot of vodka and turned off the computer.
The phone rang. This is the broker speaking. All positions are closed. The account is almost reset to zero.
Mine grieved for a long time. My head ached. I lost a hundred deer in just a couple of days.
The stock exchange is no joke. You need to have brains here. I'd rather herd deer and shoot seals with a gun

Dialogue between two brokers: - Hello, why are you so sad? - Yes, my boss called me to the carpet today for my forecast for the Euro. - Yes, well, so what - yelled? - No, - anal...

The Minister of Health came to one of the maternity hospitals for an inspection. He walks around, looks and asks to be shown directly to the room where the babies are after birth. They brought him to a large hall where there was a huge conveyor belt and the kids rode along it and were distributed according to some kind of program. At the beginning of the conveyor there is a guy and after one he grabs a newborn and hits his head against the tiled wall, after which he returns him to the conveyor. The minister came to his senses: - What are you doing??!!! The fellow, without looking up from the process, said in a deep voice: - The country lacks analysts!!!

Wall Street... A broker comes up to Soros and says: - Do you want me to make you a millionaire... - Mind me, mind you... Soros answered...

A rumpled trader walks into a pharmacy on Friday: “I heard you have some candles, give me some please.” - Which ones do you need, for hemorrhoids or contraceptives? - I want white ones, and longer ones...

Two traders are standing near the toilet and one asks the other: “Are you long or short?”

An analyst and a trader come to the races. The trader runs to the window to place a bet, and the analyst says that he first needs to learn the rules, calculate the betting technique, track trends, analyze information... - You think too theoretically! After the race, the beaming trader withdraws his profit. An astonished analyst approaches him. Trader: - It's very simple. I figured out the technology! - And what is she like? - Everything is very simple. I have two children, three and five years old. I just added up their ages, got nine and bet on this horse! - But five and three will be eight!? - Well, I’m telling you, you think too theoretically!

A portfolio investor is a failed trader. And a strategic investor is a failed portfolio investor.

From analysts' reports: Today, during another collapse in the US stock market, shares of the manufacturer of revolvers, Smith and Wesson, have risen sharply. There was also a sharp increase in sales of hemp and soap in the commodity markets...

A trader comes to the income declaration department individuals, submits a declaration: Tax inspector: “Dear, you wanted to hide most of your income from the state! According to our data, over the past year you purchased a car, an apartment, a dacha, but the declaration says only 100,000 rubles.” Trader: “It’s not my fault that your “Income” column is so small that all the zeros don’t fit.”

A trader is standing in front of a monitor. The collapse on the charts is fantastic. And he stands there calmly, holding his hands in his pockets. Looks at Monique. Another one runs past. He runs up and yells: “What the hell, you’re wearing long sleeves with your shoulders!” Right now he’ll take it out for stakes! - Well... - Are you a fool or what?! Yes, if I were you, I’d be running here in a minute, screaming, tearing my hair out, what about you? - And maybe I’m tearing...

A trader, having lost a large sum on the Stock Exchange, sits in the kitchen, drinks vodka and indulges in thinking out loud: - How tired I am of all this. How disgusting everything was! One dream is to die quickly! Opens the gas in the stove. He loses consciousness and passes out... Voice-over: - Gazprom. Dreams Come True.

What is the difference between praying in a church and in a dealing room? - Those in the dealing room do it much more sincerely.

Who are you? - I'm a good fairy. - Why with a scythe? - Yes, I’m in a bad mood this morning...

A little boy played on the stock exchange, He sold and bought shares Quietly, without noise, screams and moans He lost 900 million

Trader at the pharmacy: - At your place Activated carbon There is? - Yes, what happened? - I hit a double bottom.

We began to live better, the government said. “We are happy for you,” the people thought.

Traders love to watch the surf from the shore: Pullback after pullback.

The broker found himself without a job and got a job selling vegetables at the market.
A man approaches this seller: - How much are potatoes?
Former broker: - bid or offer?

Two analysts set up a sign on the road with the inscription “STOP, THE END IS NEAR, TURN BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.” A beautiful sports car drives past them at great speed, the driver-trader shouts and waves his fist: - Damned talkers, fools, sectarians, you’ve had enough of it already...!!! The car disappears around the bend, from there you can hear a rumble and a loud gurgle... One analyst says to another: - Probably you were right, you should have written simply - “THE BRIDGE IS DESTROYED!”

From an interview with a trader: - How did you achieve such success? Did you have 100 thousand dollars in your account in a month? - Nothing complicated. I opened a deposit for a million a month ago...

ANALYST TO TRADER: Remember, three months ago I told you that the situation on the market “simply cannot be worse”? - How can I not remember, that’s when I bought the shares. - So, then everything was just wonderful.

Lately it has become so hard to steal money that it feels like I’m earning it...

Paradise. Queue to check in. Long... Suddenly they look, angels are coming, leading a little man. Small, bald, somewhat twitchy. And past the entire line straight to the best palace. Here the Pope is indignant: “What the fuck! I’m here, you see, Pope, all righteous, God’s vicegerent, and you are moving some sinners into the best apartments in front of me!” And the archangel answers him: “Here, you understand, the Popes are like uncut dogs even without you, but an honest broker was caught for the first time...”

The guy became interested in Forex and couldn’t tear himself away from the computer. The parents called the doctor. The doctor examined him and said: “He will have to be treated!” Parents: - How? - Well, well... the old fashioned way... Cigarettes, booze, girls...

A new happy client of an investment company, after concluding an agreement, flies out into the street inspired, sees a fortune teller, holds out his palm: - Tell me your fortune, my dear! Gypsy woman, looking at the hand: - What’s there to guess: it’s too late...

There may come a time in every person's life when any paper turns out to be valuable.

Stock exchanges are in panic - Moldova has again raised the price of dill.

Riddle for a trader: - It shines, but does not heat?... - Margin call!

Besides other people's Stop-Loss, there are other joys of life.

A sad trader sits at a table in a bar and looks thoughtfully into his glass. A big guy walks into the bar, approaches his table and brazenly drinks his glass of whiskey. The trader raises his unhappy eyes and says to the big guy: - Well, why did you drink my drink, why???!!! The big guy answers a little embarrassedly: - When I have money, I’ll buy you a new one, but don’t be upset... - How can I not be upset? All my shares collapsed, I go to the bank and find out that it has gone bankrupt, and when I leave the bank building, I also see that my car has been stolen! And now you have drunk my poison and I don’t even know what to do now...

Two businessmen are meeting. One to the other: - I ended up with 1.5 billion in stocks - I lost 2.5 billion in real estate - Yes, things are going on, it’s a crisis. Well, is there anything positive? - Yes, the chicks are 100 dollars again.

And Cinderella lost a shoe at midnight... and another shoe... and all her fortune... That's how bad the market closed!

Train compartment. A man comes in - all dressed up. With a laptop of the latest model. Sits down. Immediately it begins to press. Father comes in. Handsome, with a beard. He takes out lard and cucumbers. Homemade. - Well, my son, little by little. - Yes, what are you, father - I don’t drink, and I have a lot of work - the shares are jumping. Father ate. Pleased. - Well, son, maybe play cards. - No, what are you talking about, father? I do not play. Yes, and work. The currency is jumping. Every minute is millions of dollars. Father sat for a while and went out into the corridor. Returns with two cool aunts. - My son, there are wonderful neighbors here. They invite you. - No, what are you talking about, father? I can not. A lot of work. The priest returns in the morning, happy. The neighbor is sitting - sad. - Father. Tell me. I do not drink. I do not smoke. I don't go out with girls. I work all the time. But somehow I don’t feel satisfied. Maybe I'm living wrong? - No, my son. You live correctly. But in vain.

Conversation between two traders: - What are you reading? - Elliott wave theory. - What about upside down? - What's the difference…

A girl he knows comes to the trader and says: “Darling, you and I will now have futures, delivery in 9 months!”

Dad, will the crisis affect us? - Son, it will affect the oligarchs, but we are screwed.

It was just reported that repo operations have been resumed on the interbank market. A kilogram of REPO is exchanged for 2 kilograms of ABDOMEN or one and a half kilograms of CARTO from the previous year's harvest.

In general, trading is a fascinating and enjoyable activity. The main thing is to choose the right antidepressants...

Dropped the teddy bear on the floor
They tore off the bear's paw
A broom is inserted into the bear's butt
- Margin Call, and there is no money.

At an international yoga competition, first place was taken by a trader who had been trading on the stock exchange with bated breath for 43 years.

Traders are driving around the city. The traffic starts from a traffic light and one car constantly rushes from row to row, cutting everyone off, but at the next traffic light they all arrive together... and so on three times... one trader asks another: - do you happen to know where such drivers come from? - most likely this is a pipser.

Phrase from the Trust Agreement: “In the event of unexpected success.....”

Previously, in such a volatile market, I sometimes wanted to have a drink or two. And now I don’t even want to miss a single glass...

Girl, are you dancing? -Yes. -God bless! And I thought that the “stop losses” are turning you over!

Announcement:
- We will hire a trader, education, gender and age do not matter, the salary is very high, a flexible work schedule, vacation - anywhere in the world, at any time. The job is simple: buy low, sell high.

A bad trader is also hindered by a broker.

Well, how did you feel when you opened your first position?
- Like a bull rushing towards a train.

Analysts' comment: - Now the market is experiencing a downward correction, as part of an upward trend that fits into the sideways movement of the market. We will fall until we grow.

Trader in a hair salon. The hairdresser asks:

Trader:
- It is normalizing.
After a while the hairdresser asks again:
- Well, how is the situation on the stock exchange?
Trader:
- It is normalizing.
After another 5 minutes the situation repeats itself. Finally, the trader can’t stand it anymore and asks why the hairdresser is interested in the stock exchange?
Hairdresser:
- Because when you remember the stock exchange, the hair on your head stands on end, but it’s more convenient for me to cut it this way.

Hooray! I guessed the entry point... ... Eh, I was wrong with the direction.

First place in the all-Russian joke competition was awarded to the Central Bank for the phrase of its chairman: “The situation in the banking sector will stabilize and very soon depositors will again have nothing to lose!”

If they rang your doorbell and said that they came with a warrant. Be sure to specify which one, Stop-Loss or Take-Profit. If the callers have neither one nor the other, do not open the door.

John Smith, who jumped out of a 75th floor window on Wall Street, jumped 10 meters after hitting the ground, thereby recouping his fall a little.

Trader: “The crisis is worse than a divorce! I have already lost half of my fortune, but my wife still remains...”

Director - subordinates:
- So you all complain about the crisis, about the deterioration of life due to the economic situation... And by the way, your salary this year is 75% higher!!!
- Excuse me, higher than in what year?
- Next...

Traders' dialogue: - Did your wife give you these horns? - No... stock exchange.... - Did you play for a raise? - No... I caught a moose.

People who go into finance are like holes in cheese. The more cheese, the more holes. But the more holes, the less cheese.

A large investment firm has made changes to its investment portfolio: 50% cash and 50% canned goods.

The stockbroker made a huge amount of money through luck. A lot and completely unexpectedly. Almost like I found it. Being not a greedy person, he distributed some of the money to his friends, saying, “give it to me at my funeral.” Time passed... One friend became a doctor. The second is a politician. The third one followed the path of a financier. When their benefactor died, they all came to the funeral to fulfill their last duty to their friend, including financial. The doctor said, “I spent more than I earned,” and put 1/10 of the debt in the coffin. The politician said - “I promise that I will give the rest when we meet again in another life” and put in 1/5 of the debt. The financier came up and said, “You know me, my friend, I’m not as tight-fisted as my comrades - I’ll give you everything right now,” and with these words he immediately put his personal bill of exchange, written out in the name of the deceased, into the coffin.

Two stock brokers: - I still can’t sleep after that crisis. - And I sleep like a child. - Can't be! - Yes, I wake up and cry every hour!

Broker to the Bartender: - Another 100 grams of investment, and I’m a real estate!

Late evening. Two brokers, tired, look out the window - Listen, the snow is falling. - We’ll wait another five minutes and we’ll take it.

A drunk broker in a bar calls a luscious blonde over to him. - Darling, what will you answer me if I offer you 100 bucks for the evening? - There will be an answer. - What if I only offer 10 bucks? - The answer will be, you goat, are you taking me for a whore? - No, I'm just measuring the spread.

Conversation at the bank: - You know, I want to do a small business... - Well, buy a big one and just wait a little.

Autumn day 2010, six in the morning. Two janitors meet. One looks intently at the other. - Your face is so familiar! - And I saw you somewhere... Which bank did you work in?

A client comes to the bank to withdraw money. Cashier: - There is no money. Client: - It’s very necessary. Cashier: - Why? Client: - Pay for the apartment. Cashier: - Pay by transfer. Client: - Damn, I want to eat, give me money - I’ll go to a restaurant. Cashier: - You have a card. Pay with a VISA, but we cannot give you money. Client (hysterically): - Give me my money! Maybe I want to hire a prostitute! Cashier (pointing to the cashiers): - Please choose!

There is a traffic jam on the street in London. Noticing a policeman, one of the drivers asks him: - What happened? - Due to economic problems, the Prime Minister became depressed, stopped his car in the middle of the street and is now threatening to pour gasoline on himself and set himself on fire. He is upset that no one believes in his ability to save us from the crisis. To console the head of government, we started collecting donations. -Have you already collected a lot? - So far there are about 40 gallons, but many still continue to drain gasoline.

A politician, a bandit and a trader went to hell. The politician asks Satan to call, saying how is my country, my people. Satan holds out his mobile phone - call. The politician quickly talked for 5 minutes, found out everything, and returned the mobile phone. -How much do I have to pay? - 5 million... I kept saying it, but wrote out a check. The bandit asks to call his brothers - please! I called back in a couple of minutes. - How many? - 10 million... There was nothing to do, I had to pay. The trader says: “Let me call too, I need to talk to my colleagues.” I chatted for about 15 hours about quotes, about futures, about shoulders, about the situation on the market, and I didn’t even forget to discuss the topic of boobs. He fought back and asked: “How much is it from me?” Devil: “Ten bucks and change, forget it, I forgive you.” The politician and the bandit shouted: “What’s the matter, what the f.....!” And Satan says: “Calls from Hell to Hell are charged as local

An unemployed trader selling potatoes at the market is always easy to recognize - he has two prices: to buy and to sell...

One broker calls another:
- Hello, please ask for Vasya.
- This is Vasya.
- Vasya, hi, this is Kolya, how are you?!
- Hi good!
- Oh, sorry, I think I got into the wrong place...

A stock analyst enters the elevator; brokers are standing inside and sarcastically asking: “Well, at least now can you say for sure - up or down?”

Exchange. Brokers are rushing around in the operating room, each with three phones, everyone is yelling: - Bring it to 2! Take it! Drop 10 and pass! 4 down!
Suddenly one of the brokers falls silent, looks out the window, and there is winter, beautiful. And says:
- Guys, the snow is falling...
Silence instantly reigns in the hall. And a second later - the cry of a choir of brokers:
- Sell!!!

The wife asks the trader:
- Dear, we have been married for 7 years, but you have never told me what you do at work.
- You see, dear, how can I explain it to you more simply... Imagine, we went to the market yesterday and bought a lot of live rabbits, and today there was a flood and all the rabbits drowned. And so we sit and think that we didn’t buy fish yesterday.

A broker dies, a team of resuscitation doctors rushes over him. Electric shock, artificial respiration.
- We are losing him!!!
- Pulse?
- 9...8...7...6...5...
The dying man jumps:
- If it drops to 3 - start buying!!!

Wife to husband, reading a crossword puzzle: - Fallen creature, a five-letter word, the last one is a soft sign?
The husband immediately:
- Ruble!

They sit on the Pound and Dollar exchange. Then the door swings open and Euro comes in - young, beautiful, slender, in a short skirt. The dollar immediately rushed towards her. The Pound, holding the Dollar, says: “Oh, youth! Look, don’t catch inflation!”

The analyst is asked: - Tell me, do your forecasts always coincide?
- Of course, always, only the dates sometimes don’t coincide...

Hey, how are you doing at school?
- Great! I bought options to retake exams!

It's a total bummer when you celebrate your annual profit on your trading account at McDonald's...

Yesterday, a Gazprom cleaner wiping a laptop general director, has entered into a multimillion-dollar contract for the supply of orarpezdkuopftsd...

How to raise the stock market in Russia? - We need to replace the president with the last name Medvedev with the president with the last name Bykov!

A trader who jumped out of a 75th floor window on Wall Street jumped 10 meters after hitting the ground, making up for a little of his morning fall...

Every trader thinks about tomorrow. What will it be like, this bottom?

In general, trading is a fascinating and enjoyable activity. The main thing is to choose the right antidepressants...

Captain, captain! Iceberg on the ship's course!!! -Iceberg? according to the ship's heading? no, it's expensive....

Stop loss is the amount of a predetermined loss at which the trader is still able to control himself.

Personally, I invest in vodka! Where else can you get 40%?

Due to the sharp drop in the ruble exchange rate, the Central Bank proposed changing the name of the national currency by removing the first letter.

The death penalty was replaced by a mortgage at 25% per annum.

Most traders do not suffer from delusions of grandeur,... they enjoy it.

I want to be uranium, in the sense of being enriched.

Forex jokes and jokes of traders

A trader came to a palm reader: “You determine the future by lines, right?” - Yes, of course, I determine everything: past, present and future. “Great,” said the trader and laid out a stack of printouts of stock charts in front of him.

In a financial company:

I heard your trader hanged himself. I want to take his place.

Director: - So you should not come to me, but to the director of the cemetery.

The trader was summoned to the tax office. - Here you indicated in your income statement for last year thatyou earned ten thousand, and, according to our data, you spent at least a million during this time. What is thisMeans? - What do you mean... I can’t make ends meet!

In the life of a speculator securities, the day may come one day when any paper becomes valuable

A mathematician is asked: - what is the probability that if you go out into the street now you will meet Napoleon?
The mathematician surrounded himself with reference books, calculators, computers, locked himself in a room for three days and gaveanswer: - approximately 0.000001 percent.

The same question was asked to an experienced trader. The answer followedimmediately: - 50/50, either we will meet or we will not meet.

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2030: two trading robots are talking.

First: - Imagine, the other day I met a man who successfully trades on the stock exchange. I want to put him in charge my assets.

Crazy?! Putting a person into trading means you're obviously infected with viruses, get checked!

Oh, this carry trade! - I understand you! - No, you don’t understand! - I understand perfectly. - You don’t understand, you don’t even have a deposit. - Yesterday it was!!!
A trader is rushing along the highway on a racing motorcycle: he overtook one car - showed the fact, overtook another -showed the fact several times. Approaching a railway crossing, and there a semaphore signals its approachtrains. The trader slams on the brakes, but does not have time to stop and exactly runs into the closing barrier.
The motorcycle flies out from under him and under the train and turns into a cake. A trader hangs on the barrier and thinks:“No need for forced closure...”

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London, City, seven o'clock in the morning, hall of the great office building. There are traders on the ground floor near the elevatorand analyst. The elevator arrives and the doors open. The trader asks: “Well, now, up or down?”

Two traders meet. One asks the other: “Who are you, a bull or a bear?” The second one, looking at him with sad eyes, said: “Yes, I’m a goat, a goat...

Lieutenant Rzhevsky asks Natasha Rostova: - Natasha, would you give yourself up for 100 dollars? - Naturally,lieutenant... - And for 100 rubles? - Ugh, lieutenant, what a vulgar person you are. - No, I was just clarifying the spread.

• What is the difference between praying in a church and in a dealing room?
• Those in the dealing room do it much more sincerely.

An unemployed broker selling potatoes at the market is always easy to recognize - he has two prices: for buying and for sale...

- Hello Vladimir!
I frantically finish my chewing and mumble into the phone...
- Alo-alo, Vladimir, can you hear me?
I'm almost finished...
- Vladimir, why are you silent?
I finally finished and say:
- Mouth is busy)
The client simply killed me on the spot, he asked:
– FOR LONG???
Just like that, then we laughed for a long time)))

History in the fitness center

My story: I am a sales manager at a fitness center. An ordinary working day, I go out to meet the client, show the club, present the club cards... After a short conversation, one might say, at the moment of making a decision, the client carefully asks me: “When will it be possible to discuss my purchase with the manager, I would like to talk to him too chat?"

P.S.: In the evening, when I took off my badge, I saw that it was not mine. It was written there: “Irina, massage therapist.” Apparently she left it on my table, this happens here...

Case with a colleague

The incident happened to my colleague. As a rule, managers have at hand in addition to a telephone and Email There are a number of different messengers.

There are quite a lot of contacts, and this is one of the most quick ways respond to the client's question. So, one working day, my colleague received a question on ICQ about a request for components. The question came from a friend named Igor. My colleague received exactly the same request via email this morning. mail.

My colleague has a friend who works in the same field as us, and his name is Igor. 100% sure that this request was from his client, my colleague writes to his friend in ICQ that he received this request from the client today, and why, in fact, he is interested in this request. To which he received an answer that it was he who sent this request and decided to clarify how things were progressing there.

My colleague was a little confused, but refused to capitulate. Being an impulsive person (and communication with a friend was informal), my colleague, feeling that he was being scammed, went on the offensive. With the words “Why are you here for me…. Look, it’s definitely not you who sent this request,” he unleashed a bunch of indignation on Igor. But on the other side of the screen there was a response wave of indignation, saying this and that, yes, I sent it, etc. with the same turns and embellishments of Russian speech.

Ten minutes of verbal skirmish could have continued for a long time, but then my colleague received a message in ICQ and the window blinked. Opening it, he saw that his friend Igor had written to him, and on the other side of the screen was the client who was sending the request. This is where the realization of what happened came. After all, yesterday my colleague, sending contacts to a new client after tel. call, indicated one of the means of communication - ICQ. The client decided to quickly resolve the issue, but that was not the case... 😀 I had to, of course, apologize to the chief engineer of the enterprise, Igor Petrovich, but this is one of our best customers.